dying of heart burn, dying of suspense, dying of just about everything i can think of that deals with my dignity and happiness. Ive been through this too many times to be attached now. everytime i get comfortable im reminded of what the aftermath feels like and i detach myself quickly. idk if its fair, i dont think it is but i cant help my fears and my stressors. what do i do when my brain loses control of my heart?

Soo being home with nothing to do has made me double uber lazy and now i have gained like 12 pounds. This is not okay, I’ve never been over 135 and now im almost hitting 150. this is preposterous, I’ve never felt like such a whale and so uncomfortable with my body. and the worse part is trying to get back to being a gym addict. I cant even get through a 45 minute workout without almost dying. I always sympathized for girls who were big and it showed on them but I never knew their true feelings until now. I feel like hiding from the world and not letting a single person near me. Its affecting how I act towards family, friends, and other loved ones. Its an insecurity I’ve never felt so strongly before and it’s kinda bothering me. I feel like crying but I know that it wont do anything to shed the weight off. And I’m not even near any gyms and my parents sold the treadmill so I’m screwed for a good workout and I have to rely on a workout video that I dont even like. This just kills me, idk how I’m going to get over this hurdle but it sure would be nice if a gym was conveniently nearby… And it would also be nice if I wasnt friends with people with 2 inches for a waist and the ability to eat whatever they want and still look good. point of my rant: life’s a fucking bitch, and she’s screwing me. 

I envy all those who can go out of their houses as they please.I’m stuck here to deal with my asshole father and loneliness. Its times like these where I have to rethink my whole car idea and remember that I need to move out before I go crazy. At this point I wish I had enough anger to vent about my step father but its just useless and tiring. Nothing has changed, nor will it ever change.I’m stuck in this cycle with him until i’m able to leave. I just wish I had a real best friend that I could call at times like these, that knows me and understands and would be there for me but unfortunately I pushed him away a long time ago… sometimes I wonder whether being strong on my own is a good remedy for me, whether it truly makes me stronger that I dont depend on others or if it makes me weaker because I have to stop to fix myself and pull myself together when it gets rough. Regardless, I still have to deal with my shit and I still have to move forward no matter how much I’m hurting or how hard it is. And I guess that’s my summer blues.. I should’ve taken summer classes. 

And all I want is for you to wake up even tho you’re tired to tell me that you missed me too…. Lately I just don’t know what to do with myself and my emotions… And I hate it when my life turns into a stupid cliche but its too relevant, falling for you was never part of the plan. The plan was enjoy life and enjoy having the good company and good times, but now I’m invested and I still don’t fully know the product. And I hate hate hateeee that you keep mentioning her, yeah she’s a good friend of mine but the fact that you’re always asking about her makes me mad. (be it my body issues and insecurities, whatever. it pisses me off) But when you mention her it makes me feel as if you’re looking at other options and I don’t know why I care so much but I do because at this point I stopped looking at my other options… And I shouldn’t have, there’s nothing saying that I’m “taken” or whatever I shouldn’t be so emotionally tied, but fuckk, “woman down!” Wanting to meet your friends, wanting to be around you more often and constantly be talking to you, I don’t get myself… I’m in too deep and baby I’m drowning. I still don’t even understand how you feel about any of this… I can’t just keep going on this way I just wish you would wake up and tell me you thought about me today…